Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide reviews Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013 feature film)

Character: Hansel, bad-ass witch hunter, loving brother and poorly controlled diabetic

Movie quality: 3.5 – Let’s be honest: No one goes to a movie called Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters expecting a stirring drama with Oscar-worthy performances. This is a fun popcorn-muncher, with non-stop action, loads of guts and gore, and f-bombs galore. Some of the supporting performances are a bit uneven — do Peter Stormare and the other villagers realize this is a comedy? — but Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton are amazingly kick-ass in the lead roles, and Famke Janssen and Thomas Mann are entertaining in their respective roles as the head witch Muriel and the fanboy Ben. The makeup and special effects are also terrific — as is the amazing, unique animated opening sequence.

Importance of role/screen time: 5 - Renner plays the titular Hansel, so he’s a crucial part of the film.

Performance quality: 4 - At first this reviewer was concerned that Renner was miscast. After all, what is a thoroughly contemporary, serious, American actor doing in a horror-comedy based a medieval German fairy tale? But Renner fits right into this highly anachronistic treatment, working his low-key, bone-dry humor to good effect — and his chemistry with Arterton is an added delight.

Hotness factor: 5 – Renner slays not only the witches, but ALL the fangirls too, with his long leather coat, knee-high boots, and enormous phallic shotgun — not to mention the shirtlessness in the swimming scene and the sleeveless leather vest in the desert scene. But the most thrilling aspect of this role is that this kind of light-hearted fare allows Renner to completely unleash his sensationally sexy swagger, which makes it a must-see for all Renner fanwomen!

Total points: 17.5

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide presents The Renner Rewind!: Reviews of early Jeremy Renner works — The Outside Man (2001 short film)

Character: Vegas Jackman, small-time con man

Movie quality: 3 — At 14-and-a-half minutes long, this short film (not to be confused with the 1972 French thriller of the same name) looks like it was made by someone who has watched the Oceans movies and the works of Quentin Tarantino too many times. But this little homage is actually pretty clever and pays off nicely if you stick with it through the end.

Importance of role/screen time: 4 – He’s the lead character and is in just about every scene. On the downside, it’s only 14 minute long.

Performance quality: 4 – Renner is subtle, relaxed, and quite funny as a seemingly inept con man.

Hotness factor: 3.5 – Renner is sporting his early-2000s boy-band look, with highlighted hair and flashy outfits. He looks kind of like a cross between Nick Carter and Malibu Ken. But the person who did the lighting for this movie was a genius: Renner’s skin looks like smooth creamery butter and his eyes appear to be lit from within, so after a while, you start ignoring the hair and clothes and are just mesmerized by his face.

Also, we get to see him apply lip balm, take a pee, and look at gay porn.

Total points: 14.5

(Click on the photo to watch the film on The Outside Man official website)

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide reviews Ingenious (formerly Lightbulb; 2009 feature film)

Character: Sam Schooler, inept salesman, compulsive gambler, and trouble-making best friend

Movie quality: 3.5 — This is an endearing little indie about two hard-on-their-luck, increasingly desperate friends — laid-back inventor Matt (Dallas Roberts) and fast-talking salesman Sam (Renner) — trying to find the next big thing. It’s a likable movie that blends humor and drama to tell a sweet story, and while takes its time to get going, there is a nice payoff if you’re patient. Roberts and Ayelet Zurer (who plays his much put-upon wife) give solid performances, and there is some beautiful Arizona desert scenery and a twangy, alt-country soundtrack that give the film a real sense of place.

Importance of role/screen time: 4.5 — Renner plays the best friend and business partner of the main character, so he’s in most scenes.

Performance quality: 3.5 -– Renner is an actor well-known for his understated performances, but here he’s tasked with the role of the impulsive, loud-mouthed “funny” guy. Renner has proven he can handle comedy, but he seems to fare better with subtle sarcasm, as he did in The Unusuals and Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, than he does with a character that is as broadly written as this one. Fortunately, Renner’s natural charm and likability rescue Sam from being completely obnoxious, and he brings some subtlety and emotional depth to his more serious scenes.

Hotness factor: 3.5 — Renner is cute with a shaggy ‘do and retro shirts, and he has some sexy construction-worker shots, as well as a hilarious sex scene involving a camcorder, cowboy boots, and a bad infomercial. (See the delete scenes reel for some brief-yet-very-hot additional love scenes.) 

Total points: 15

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide presents The Renner Rewind!: Reviews of early Jeremy Renner works — Time of Your Life, ep. 1.6, ‘The Time the Truth Was Told’ (1999 TV series)

Character: Taylor, recently parolled drug addict

Episode quality: 2 – I have not seen any another episode of this show, so I can only judge this ep on its own merits. A spin-off of the successful Fox series Party of Five, this dramedy stars Jennifers Love-Hewitt and Garner and seems to focus primarily on the not-terribly-compelling romantic lives of some pretty people in their early-to-mid 20s. I can see why this only lasted 12 episodes — watching these clods humiliate themselves repeatedly in the name of love is not the time of anyone’s life.

Importance of role/screen time: 1 – Renner plays a tiny role (probably less than 3 minutes total) as the a friend of the main characters’ romantic interest. He’s nothing more than a plot device to reveal a “dark secret” about the romantic interest’s past.

Performance quality: 2.5 – This tiny role marks yet another appearance of Douchey Renner. This time he plays a loud, spazzy douche. Why is he shouting in every scene? Renner does make good use of his engine-trying-to-turn-over laugh, although it just serves to illustrate how out of control his character is.

Hotness factor: 3.5 – Renner looks a lot like he did in his guest appearance on Angel, with the spiky hair and tiny goatee. And he’s briefly seen doing some hilariously spazzy dance moves, as well as rolling a “doobie” (as his character calls it) with one hand.

Total points: 9

(Click on the photo if you want to watch the episode on YouTube)

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide presents The Renner Rewind!: Reviews of early Jeremy Renner works — The Net, ep. 1.21, ‘Chem Lab’ (1999 TV series)

Character: Ted Nida, chemistry whiz from the wrong side of the tracks

Episode quality: 2.5 – I have not seen any another episode of this show, nor have I seen the Sandra Bullock movie on which the series is based, so I can only judge this ep on its own merits. It has a look and feel similar to The X Files, with a lot of talk about the CIA, consipiracy theories, and Bigfoot, plus some domestic terrorism, right-wing militia groups, and computer hacking thrown in — all laced with some inappropriate flirting by Brooke Langton and pretty much all of her male co-stars.

Importance of role/screen time: 2.5 – He’s one of a number of guest stars in this episode, with just a few minutes of screentime, but he does get a big scene at the end.

Performance quality: 3 – Here we get another early glimpse of Renner’s knack for playing complex characters whose jerky exteriors hide vulnerability and pain. The script doesn’t give him a whole lot to work with, though.

Hotness factor:  3 – With blonde frosted hair, a letter man jacket, and a baby face, it would appear that Renner ages backwards, as he looks even younger here than he did in Senior Trip, which was filmed five years earlier.

Total points: 11

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide presents The Renner Rewind!: Reviews of early Jeremy Renner works —  A Nightmare Come True (1997 TV movie)

Character: Steven Zarn, teenage son of the troubled Zarn family

Movie quality: 2.5 – This ultra-melodramatic TV movie follows the saga of a family after the mother inexplicably disappears. It’s your typical network TV movie from back when networks actually aired TV movies, all swelling music and hilarious overacting, fairly predictable and entirely forgettable, but good for a few unintended laughs.

Importance of role/screen time: 2.5 – Renner plays a supporting role as the brother of the protagonist. He doesn’t get a lot of screentime, but he does get some funny lines.

Performance quality: 3 – Renner brings a bit of levity to this cheesy melodrama, with clever little comments here and there. He seems to be the only character who doesn’t spend most of his screen time gazing ruefully into the middle distance (and for that we give him an extra point). Instead, he spends most of his time eating or drinking something (seriously, you could make a drinking game out of every time he appears at the breakfast or dinner table) and throwing incredulous looks at his fictional family members.

Hotness factor: 3 – In fact, he spends so much time eating, one wonders if that is why his wardrobe is about two sizes too big. Oh, no, that’s right — this was the 90s! Everyone dressed that way! Yes, this is another of Renner’s cute mid-’90s puppy-dog roles — all floppy hair, gigantic eyes, big smiles, and adorable awkwardness. If Baby Renner is your favorite flavor of Renner, this is a must-see.

Total points: 11

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide presents The Renner Rewind!: Reviews of early Jeremy Renner works — A Friend’s Betrayal (originally titled Stolen Youth, 1996 Lifetime TV movie)

Character: Gulliver, high-school friend of the male protagonist Paul

Movie quality: 2.5 – For this review, I did not seen the entire movie, just a few clips that I could find online. But I am pretty sure I saw it years ago when it aired on Lifetime, and I have seen enough of these melodramatic TV movies to know that they have decent production values but bad-to-middling scripts and lots of overacting.

Importance of role/screen time: 1.5 – Renner plays a bit part as the male lead’s friend, appearing in a few brief scenes in order to express surprise and disbelief at his friend’s choices.

Performance quality: 2.5 – In this tiny role, Renner plays his character with the appropriate teenage enthusiasm, as he tries to convince his friend to cut him in some free CDs or tell him the smutty details of said friend’s dalliance with an older woman.

Hotness factor: 2.5 – He basically looks just as he did in Senior Trip, but trading Dags’ grungy plaid for a baggy sweaters and jeans.

Total points: 9

Renner Fan Girl Movie Guide presents The Renner Rewind!: Reviews of early Jeremy Renner works — Paper Dragons (1996 feature film)

Character: Jack, coked-up criminal dumbass

Movie quality: 1.5 – A rip-off of just about every martial arts movie ever made, this looks like it was made on the lowest budget imaginable as a film-school project. On the plus side, if it is trying to be an homage to the karate B-movies of the 60s and the straight-to-video crime thrillers of the ’80s, it achieves the right look and feel — although I wonder whether or not that was intentional.

Importance of role/screen time: 2 – Renner plays a small supporting role as the criminal partner of the main character. He’s in the movie for less than 10 minutes, although his scenes are vital to the main character’s back story.

Performance quality: 2.5 – This movie isn’t the worse Renner has been in — that would be Fish in a Barrel. And compared to his castmates, Renner gives a decent performance; he seems natural and delivers his lines smoothly. The movie may be cringe-worthy, but Renner acquits himself.

Hotness factor: 2 – This is probably the worst Renner has ever looked on film. Sweaty, pasty, and coked out, with stringy hair and a heinously ugly shirt, he’s a far cry from the man that makes fangirls swoon. And at one point wears a FISHNET stocking on his head while committing a robbery (yes, he and his pal are among the dumbest criminals ever).

Total points: 8